We were out to lunch in a local downtown area with my friend Michelle and her baby Nathan. Well, first we stopped by the mall for Clinique bonus time. :) DJ wasn't in the stroller but for a few minutes and he was cranky and wanted out. Well, I can't let him out, as he'd run all over and he's pretty heavy to carry, so I occupied him the best I could with his morning snack and some toys. Still cranky. We finished up there, ran to Bath & Bodyworks (still fussy) and then went to lunch. This is where I become SO embarrassed with how DJ is acting. Again, nearly as soon as we sat down he was fussy. He ate a little bit of lunch, but then nothing would satisfy him. I had several things for lunch, I had some snacks I tried, I had toys. He was actually crying and whining. Lunch was just served. And of course all the while Nathan is just napping away. I could barely carry on a conversation with Michelle.

To make matters worse, psychologically for me I guess, Nathan is like the perfect angel baby. He never cries. Or very rarely. He's 4 months and now sleeping through the night- DJ didn't do this and keep at it until he was 12 months, and even then he had many nights where he was up. It's just so...I don't know, frustrating I guess. Some times I feel so worn out. It is a gorgeous day and when we got home all I wanted to do was lay in bed. In fact, I've been taking more naps lately. Some times I think I'm sort of depressed in a small way or something. I mean, don't get me wrong, most of the time I'm fine and DJ isn't always full of mischief, but I don't know.

I just feel like everything can be such a struggle and I feel like I'm doing things wrong. I feel like it's my fault some times that he won't eat "normal" toddler food. Even though I'd probably cut off a finger for him to do so. And I feel like, even though we work with him and read daily since he's been 4 months, that it's my fault he's not talking other than a few words. I know I've got to wean him off of the pacifier soon...and then potty training and I just feel like I'm going to fail at all of this.

I guess I'm just having a downer of a day. Here I am crying over this stuff. I try to look on the positive side most days; DJ is advanced in other areas, so what if he's behind in talking. And even though he won't try meat or noodles, he eats very healthy daily with his veggies, fruits, dairy and straches. At the same time when people ask about him or whatever, I feel like they think it's weird he's not eating chicken nuggets or mac & cheese. I FEEL that. That makes me feel like it's my fault. Or that I don't know what I am doing. And on top of that, Michelle probably is starting to think DJ is such a problem child, compared to Nathan. I thought once she had one of her own she'd understand more...not that she's ever said anything, but now I sort of feel like it makes me look like a liar in how hard it is. I was just getting to the point that I was wanting another child in a year or two, but this puts me back to the fact that- if it's this difficult the second time around, I don't know if I want to go through this.

We're actually planning a small vacation. Man, I just hope it goes better than last years. It's only one night, we figure maybe we'll take a few small trips this year. Even though last year we only drove 2 hrs for 2 nights.....what a hassle. DJ wouldn't sleep in the hotel but in our bed and even that took 2 hours. And he cried whenever he was in the car. This is another thing I didn't prepare for, I didn't realize that a child would make you NOT want to go on vacation, because it would be so difficult. So, like I said, I just hope this year goes better. Although if I was judging by today, I'd say my answer is no.

I know this vent probably sounds horrible....but really I needed to get this out. I know by the end of the day DJ will be mellow and we'll be snuggling and I'll be kissing his toes and belly before bed like always. Now he makes me read him at least 2 books before bed, and even then he wants more. But it's the best part of the day. Is it here yet?