I feel horrible every time I lose my patience and snap at DJ to quiet down or to stop throwing things on the floor. A mother should not be annoyed with her baby. I feel bad every day when I am folding laundry or vaccuming or cleaning up, because instead I should be playing with him. I feel like an inferior mother every time he doesn't do something the books say he should do "on time". Maybe I haven't spent enough time helping him practice? I feel so selfish every time I want to get on the computer for a half hour or get on my exercise bike and read or catch up on my TV shows....I feel like instead I should want to spend all my time with him and I shouldn't be wanting to do "me" things.

I know, or at least I hope, this all sounds silly or insane. But, I still feel this way. I guess I thought being a mom, something I've always wanted to do, would magically make me perfect! I wanted to do everything right. I guess everyone does.

I know on the big scale, I'm doing a great job. Or, at least I hope so. But, it's those little things day to day that still put a dagger in your heart when you realize you're not as perfect as you'd like. It's just funny because I thought I knew exactly how I'd be and what I'd feel and do when I became a mom. Tons of examples but I won't get into all of them. So, it's odd to think that, wow, I don't feel the way I thought, or I don't react how I'd thought here etc.

I just want to be the best mom, ever. So, every day I try. Every day I try to cherish the little things, like the big hugs he gives me when I pick him up. (He's now learned when I say HUG, what it is, and he gives me one!) Or the sloppy kisses, the nearly toothless smiles, the giggles, those sparkly big blue eyes, his tiny hands and feet...the excitement when he does something new, like getting ready to crawl, or standing on his own (he did that this weekend!). My favorite thing of all is just holding him and snuggling or squeezing him, feeling him against me. Just having him in my arms. More and more I realize his baby days are coming to an end soon.

Maybe in reality, a mom is about striving to be perfect? Not beingperfect. And in thinking about this for the last week or two (and meaning to blog about it) I think that it's when we stop working to be perfect, in anything in life, well, that's when we give up and get lazy. I think at least if I try to be perfect, well, something is admirable in that, if not a little crazy.